Postman Pat
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For added fun and frivolity, try turning the sound off during the animated clips and doing your own voices, or, alternatively, sobbing in front of your television set while you gently fellate a snub nose pistol, trying to force your finger to twitch ever so slightly.

“Postman Pat”. Why the hell would anyone in their right mind buy a “Postman Pat” game? Who said anything about me being in my right mind? If you look into the eye of the perfect storm that happens when clearance prices converge on completism and low standards, you’ll see a pile of games such as “Beverly Hills Cop”, “Paddington Bear” and “Postman Pat” with $5 price tags and my fingerprints all over them.

The game itself is obviously intended for children, or rabid fans of the show (Christ knows there could be some out there), and consists of various animated clips alternating with minigames of increasing complexity and astonishment, guaranteed to amuse, enthral and revitalise the soul. Either that, or vaguely entertain you for 5 minutes until you realize that the lip synch is non existent on the animated clips and you could be eating corn chips and masturbating instead of playing this game.

The mini games include driving the Booty Magnet, as Pat calls his mail delivery van, down a road dodging obstacles, picking up lost mail randomly appearing on a town map, collecting a child’s correct school gear by tapping buttons, and using irons to open people’s mail and look for valuables or nude pictures for bonus points. There’s ten mini games in total, and about the only one that really held my interest was a puzzle where you have a time limit to fit various packages of different sizes into the Booty Magnet as efficiently as possible. I played it three times and didn’t get it perfect, and with this kind of game, anything more than one attempt counts as “holding my interest”.

If you’re stoned or just easily amused, this game might give you a brief bit of ironic humour, but the ironic game humour budget would be far better put towards Phoenix games such as “Animal Soccer World”, where the real laughs are to be had. This is just mediocre and joyless. Now, where did I leave my corn chips?

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