Xena Warrior Princess

Why in the holy hell is a Xena licenced game coming out for PS2 this late in the game? Wasn't Xena cancelled in 2001? Blast! is the company releasing this game, and a look at some of their other recent releases might explain it - Babe, Beverly Hills Cop, Home Alone, Lassie. They're obviously buying up cheap licences and hoping to sling a few games on their names. Surprisingly for what would appear to be yet another piece of shovelware in a seemingly endless avalanche of PlayStation 2 shovelware, this game managed to hold my attention for more than 30 seconds.

Damning with faint praise I know, and believe me, it's by no means actually good. Taken on its own terms, Xena passes the time well enough. What we have here is a generic third person action game along the lines of a simplified Tomb Raider. You're working your way through a citadel trying to save your "friend" Gabrielle so you can have "implied lesbian sex" with her, and as such have to swan around killing guys with bows or swords, pushing blocks onto pressure points, opening doors and generally solving easy puzzles. It's an ugly game - you'd think it was a PlayStation 1 game, yet alone a late release PlayStation 2 game, and the combat is a bit shite - you can lock onto a target, but hitting them is a bit.. hit and miss, if you'll pardon the expression.

Don't strain your back, Xena, you might need it later for implied lesbian sex.

Come to think of it, why did it hold my attention? Is it because I'm easily entertained? Is it because Lucy Lawless is really hot? Who knows? If you see this incredibly cheap and must have it, go ahead. There's not much payoff for fans of the show, as all you get is a few sound samples, there's no cut scenes or extensive amounts of speech. For all I know, you don't even really get any implied lesbian sex when you complete the game. I'd like to know, but I got to a point where you had to push a block into a chamber with a burning floor, and the block got stuck on a wall - yay clipping. Luckily for me, even dying wouldn't reset the block, and my time's more valuable than replaying the entire game to that point. OK, it isn't, but I could use that time to see real lesbian sex on the internet instead. Have I said "lesbian sex" enough in this review yet? Lesbian sex.

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